We got new neighbors as of 5 days ago. Just as our luck with neighbors, there are some problems already....well one problem. Sometimes they are so loud. They sometimes have their bass to there stereo up so high I can hear it very annoyingly in my house. Sometimes I can hear them talking or whatever because our bedroom is right next to their porch and living room. If the bass was turned down a little bit, even if I could still hear it, it would be better. I think its the kids, because the parents had just left and then the bass started a little while ago. So, Seth is going to mention it the next time he sees them. I just don't want problems with them, and don't want to come off rude or confrontational at all. I would just like to be curtious mindful mind your buisness type neighbors with each other.

Savanna went pee pee on the potty yesterday for the first time.

Seth got the bolt off the car but then realized that one of the four brake pads was faulty and had to take them back to get new ones. Stuck again for now.

It will just always be something. I am trying to just get through one thing at a time.

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Okay so, like always, I am struggling to keep my sanity living with my completely insane mother. She must ne going through one of her little fits or whatever. She is being so loud, with everything she does. And is looking for reasons to be in my area. She is just driving me up the wall, I just want her to go away. She is so attention hungry, and I am so over buying into the schemes and games and acts she plays to get this attention. If she is such in a terrible mood, why doesn't she just stay away. Why does she insist on spreading her misery to everyone around her. She is fucking nuts and I am fucking over it. I am not going to buy into her stupid fake falls or faking gettting hurt or fake falling. I see her fake fall all of the time. She will really slip, catch herself, then make herself fall on purpose, and she thinks no one notices but everyone does and she just looks stupid and crazy. That's what I don't understand about her, everyone knows she is tottally off of her rocker and just being crazy and trying to get attention, and she acts like its so real. Does she really believe that everyone can't see through it and doesn't see how ridiculous she always is? It's just that no one wants to be the one she freaks out on, so no one will say anything. She is so toxic. So poisonous for me, for everyone. She says things like, "oh Savanna you should be wearing socks or a jacket its too cold." "Savanna I think you should already be potty trained"  "Savanna I think your too big for a baba. Grandma will have to buy you sippy sups" These things to me sound like she is trying to demean my parenting, telling me I should be doing it that way. It pisses me off because she is the last person on the planet I would take parenting advice from. If I wanted to know the wrong way or the way not to raise a child, that is when I would ask her for advice, until then I feel like she has no right to say things like that and she needs to shut the fuck up. I feel like I could just go off on her sometimes for the things she does or says. I feel that there is so much I want to just scream in her face. I hold it all back because I also feel that in doing so it would make more tension and stress in my life so I just avoid it. Luckily I wont have to do this forever, and I can move out next tax season. I wount have to deal with her at all, or her toxic behavior, or her toxic mouth. I wont have to see her, or hear her, or walk around her feelings anymore. I wont have to worry about things dealing with her. I could feel somfortable in my house because there will be less tension and stress on me. I will feel cleansed of this poison. I will feel better. She will need to realize that I am not dealing with her delusional world anymore. She is jsut plain crazy and is so crazy she doesnt even think she is being crazy when she is being her craziest. It is just so illogical and I am not doing it anymore than I have to. My life is not about her and her problems or what she wants or needs. She is a grown woman and will have to start acting like one, or she can deal with the consequences. I dont know why everyone lets her get away with everything but eventually that will catch up with her. There is just no fixing something as broke as she is. If I had a car as fucked up as she is I would junk it, it wouldnt even have to be something I would even think about, thats just what you would have to do is start over because there are too many problems. I think she likes being crazy and causing all this drama and havoc. She is so terrible insane. She is a real danger to herself, only because she wants to be. She is absolutley unstable, because she wants to be. She is crazy, because she wants to be. She is the way she is because she wants to be. Maybe I am wrong for thinking that way but I have lived with her for long enough to know how she is and know her capability. She does this to herself and it seems like she wants it. She wants the drama and she wants the havoc and chaos. And that is why she is so utterly crazy to me.

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OKay so Seth figured out that we need new pads and a new rotor on the one side. So we get the parts. Now the bolt for the caliper is stripped from him and his friend trying to get it off. We go buy this special tool or whatever that doesn't work. So now we have to see if a shop could take he bolt off for us, and its the weekend, of course. Savanna skinned her knee today, and when I was putting on her pajamas I noticed that it was really red. So I wiped it with an antiseptic towelette and put cream and bandaids on it and shes been screaming ever since. Sometimes I feel like I am going to lose my mind when she cries like that. The whinning and crying, when for no reason and excessively, makes me so frustrated. I feel like I can't hear anything and can't focus on anything else. Then of course Seth pins her fit on me because I put the cream and stuff on her, I am the bad guy for tending to her wound. Whatever. Like thats what I need at that moment of stress, to be told that her over the top fit is a direct reaction to what I had did. I was being a good mom by preventing infection and cleaning her cut, or I guess at least I felt like I was being a good mom in doing so. Would it have been better to let it go and get infected, would that have been a better decision. Either way, sometimes I just have too much stress on my plate to cope with her fits. I get frustrated with it very easy. I am super pregnant and work everyday. My feet hurt, I am tired and sometimes I just want to relax or go to the bathroom by myself without a melt down from a toddler. I know she is just doing her job as a toddler, and it is not her fault I have these problems, but it is still hard for me to deal with at times, especially when my main support person is not on my side. I am probably just a normal mom for my age, but sometimes I feel like I fail all of the time and she deserves so much better. Then theres that other part of me that knows that I am the best mom I can be and Savanna is very lucky in many ways, and that her life is good not inspite of me but because of me. I have realized that there is just always something to worry about, something to feel negative about....but there is also always something to treasure, something to appreciate, and something to celebrate.

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So I'm at the doctors office doing that three hour blood glucose test. I had to down the disgusting orange drink and give a bunch of blood. I haven't ate or drank anything for twelve fricking hours. Now I have to sit in this ultra lame hospital for three hours and have my blood drawn on the hour. I feel sick from not eating and downing that terrible drink and I am super uncomfortable from these second hand chairs. I don't even understand how they expect people to do this, like sit here for that freaking long. It's really ridiculous. And then to tell me when I'm 8 months preganant that I can't eat for fifteen hours! It just doesn't seem right, I'm starving. I have a headache now too to top it off. I am in such a bad mood right now, and its probably not going to go away any time soon.

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Come Monday I am 31 weeks along, just about 8 months. In just two months, we'll have another baby. It's really hard to believe it's happening so soon, or at all for that matter. Its getting really hard for me to move around and do things now. Between my nerve, feet, back and belly, doing the simplest things are getting very hard and extremely exhausting. I feel so pregnant in the way of how huge I feel and how tired I am. The baby kicks a lot now. She does what feels to be cartwheels all of the time. I feel her turning around a lot. A lot more than Savanna used to turn around. I get really emotional too. I sometimes feel really sad and lonely and other times really pissy and mad for really no reason. I hope its just hormones because its really bothersome. I get so irritated so quickly. I'm just trying to do the best I can with what I got and take it all day by day.

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Oh tax season 2011, if you can please come next month instead of next year. I NEED to get away from my mom. Living together just does not work. Our relationship is never ever good, but it is so much better when we are far apart. She is very toxic to me, and for me. She is just such a difficult person to deal with. There are so many things she does that bother me and hurt me and just frustrate me. I feel like being around her drags me down. I feel that a lot of my time and energy goes into thinking about what not to say and what to do to make her not be crazy on me. I'm tired of bending and being the one to make all these special adjustments in my thoughts and feelings and actions, when she doesnt seem to hold anything back. For some reason, in her mind alone, her bi polar is some kind of "i can get away with anything" pass. But how is it that she can pick and choose when she's crazy. Doesn't that mean that she really isn't crazy if she can decide when to be? I'm not a doctor but it seems to me that bi polar is supposed to be something you cannot control, so how is it that around certain people or certain times she can be so normal. Some people have never seen her be all crazy, to me that says she really isn't that crazy and it's all for attention. That is why I have such a hard time involving myself with her. i feel like it's all some kind of show, a try for some attention. If you are so starved for attention, why are you only seeking negative attention. Why would'nt you want positive attention? She's so selfish and self serving. She says she is so giving and tries to buy people off with garbage and junk, but it's only so she can be like "oh this is what I did for you" its to make herself feel good, not the other person. Literally everything has to be about her. Nothing I do, or say, or feel, can not have anything to do with her in her mind. She just is not that special to me to think about all day long and obsess about what I am going to do next. She needs to get real. She'll never change, and she doesn't even want to. Everyone just enables her, because they dont want to deal with her. It is just so much easier to make her happy than it is to deal with her not. I am not the only person she is toxic to, many people feel the same way. They just will not, and will never, say that because of her pills. I wish she'd just get busted, and get comitted and get normal. Some kind of reality check to take her out of her bubble where everyone but her is wrong. It's not that I want bad things to happen to her, I just don't see how else this would happen. She claims to be so sick in the head, but never ever goes to therapy. She has no excuse because not only does she have nothing to do all day everyday, it would be free and its right down the block. I think she dont go because a therapist could see through her, and all there is to her is lies and bad things. She thinks she is so much better because she has all this extra money-that she shouldnt- and can buy things because her rent and bills are so cheap from us living together. Get off your high horse. You are crazy, a drug addict, and liar. If the people that allow you to live this way knew what you really do they would no longer enable. Your entire allaby is a lie and your whole life situation is based on lies and deciet. If you were living honestly and legitamently, you would not be living the way you do now. I'm tired of feeling like a bad person. I am a good person. I am a better person than she is. I don't cheat lie or steal. I am not a drug addict. I go to work and handle my own reaponsiblities. I am a good mother. I am so many things that she is not and never has been and never will be. I think thats why she does this to me. She is jealous or mad that at such a young age I am so much more adult than her. I think she is resentful that after 18 months I have been a better mother than her in 21 years. I think her mistakes kill her inside, and she tries to spread the blame because its too much for her. I also feel like I have my own problems and at 50 she should have her shit together for herself. I shouldn't feel responsible for her bullshit made up problems that cause her to have feelings. I can't help her feelings, I can only help mine. I need to focus on me. I need to heal. My mom has always hurt me and caused me these feelings. I have to accept there is nothing I can so for her, I can only do for me. She is the onle that needs help. I need change.

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I had to go to the doctor today. Every time I go in I am there forever! It always seems to take at least two hours for anything. It is so irritating, I don't even like going for that reason. Anyways, when I finally got to see the doctor, everything was normal. But, I have to go in my next day off and do this fucking three hour test for blood glucose! I keep telling them I don't have the time to sit there for three hours-which in their time will probably be 5 hours! How do they expect people t sit there for that long! I don't know what they expect me to do, sit on their uncomfortable chairs and read year old science magazines for three hours?! I'll have to take my computer or something because that place drives me nuts if I am actually conscience of being there. I have to go to a chiropractor for my back nerve also, which is lame. I dont know how I am supposed to work, take care of Savanna, and go to all these different appointments with all these different people. They want you to work around their schedules and convenience but h.then they reschedule or are always behind. If you are always everyday running forty five minutes behind why wouldn't you just schedule that delay in?! WTF! It's already such a hassle and inconvenience for me to go, then all this bs. All these kittens are driving me nuts. I'm always having to walk around them or step on them and fend them off of Savannas food. She's got scratches all over her, but that never stops her from messing with them and carrying them around. I wish I had more time to spend doing things I like rather than doing things that have to be done. Who does my laundry, folds it, and puts it away for me. Who cleans the bathroom. This dirty house makes me mad and puts me in a shit mood. I don't like looking at such clutter, so I have to clean it. It doesn't seem to bother Seth at all. It is so irritating. I want to just sit here and relax, but the laundry is calling my name.

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I love my daughter so much. She makes me such a better person at times. I have to be so selfless and giving, not like thats hard to me, but she makes me feel like I have a purpose. I day after day remind myself how lucky I am to have such a healthy beautiful and smart little girl. There is just so much that can go wrong and all too often does go wrong when you have kids. I mean, what new mom isnt waking up in the middle of the night to check their newborns breathing. I remember with Savanna there were times I was so worried about her not breathing that if I didnt see her chest rise and fall I would move her or touch her to try to make her move, sometimes resulting in her waking up. I know I'm so obsessive compulsive when it comes to basically everything but when it comes to her it gets way worse. If she becomes sick, I check her temperature constantly, always checking for fever and listening to her breath for wheeziness. I know its so bad but I feel like if I dont check on all of these things that something could happen that I could have stopped or prevented and I will be filled with guilt and regret. Anyways, I just hope that we can be so lucky or blessed or whatever it is with this next baby. God, Budda, genash, or whoever please let it happen.

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My days off always consist of cleaning the house. I feel that I do 80 percent of the chores but Seth disagrees. I just feel like it should be equal, we both work and take care of Savanna so we should both be doing the same amount of work around the house. What can I do though. There are far worse flaws he could have besides being addicted to video games and being lazy. He is a good guy otherwise to me. But you know they say love is blind so maybe thats just my blinders talking. Savanna might be coming down with a cold. Her nose has been running, if thats the case this should be a lot of fun. She doesnt sleep well at all when shes sick, and when she doesnt sleep well neither do I. She hasnt been sick in a while so I guess this is okay. I havent been sick in quite some time either, so Ill probably catch this to pay my dues. What can you do. I guess being sick is just another part of life, like taxes and having kids. There is just always so much to do all of the time and never enough time in the day to do most of it. I know Im not alone in the thought that there should be more time in the day or our bodies should need less sleep. Maybe its a mom thing. Always a to do list and always trying to complete it. I like things to be orderly but I hate being the one to put them in order. If I had someone to do the work with me dictating how I want it and when I wanted it done, that would be the life. But only in a fairy world I suppose. I asked myself yesterday what is this blog for? Or maybe who is it for? Afterall its on this kind of hidden site about something totally different than this blog. Its hidden and no one knows about it. I just wonder if Im writing this just to write it or to hope someone reads it. Either way, I like it and its so much easier to type than it is to write by hand. Its for me, its for me, its for me!

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Im seven months pregnant tomorrow and I sure do feel like it. Im starting to feel so big and blah and bitchy. Everything is pissing me off and making me cry. Its hard to find my safe place anymore. At least I have my rock, Seth. Boy without him I'd be no where I wanna be. I love him. He does stress me out a lot but overall he is a good guy. He is just so 23. Like, I know I'm only 21 but people say I act so much older and I know I do. I feel like I'm 41 and have all the responsibility. I think Seths lack of being able to be a full adult somes from his mother but thats another post. Anyways, back to my emotional breakdown, I had a really rough day today. Work was just annoying-seeing as though Im not paid to be a cashier, Im paid to deal with idiots-, and I get home and the house is a disaster. Seth always promises to do this or that and he doesnt follow through. I get so mad when he doesnt do anything around the house on his days off. I feel like its all left for me to do and its so not fair. I see him play video games and play football and I cant do anything I want because Im busy doing the housework. I have a 5 day a week job too, Im pregnant, why should I be the only one scrubbing the frickin toilet? Am I the only one using the toilet? No!! But whatever. Ill either get over it or get on with it. One way or another I'm just hoping he wakes up from his dream or whatever before its too late and I completely lose my mind. Pregnancy is such a bitch. It just gets worse at the end. You feel so ugly and moody and achy and whiney and that no one cares. All you want is some me time that seems so non existant, unless you dont already have kids--congrats--. I just want to get through this, all of this. I want to feel better about pretty much everything. Because bottom line is it all could be so much worse, sooooo much worse and I should just enjoy what I have while Im still able to enjoy it. If I died tomorrow I wouldnt want my last memory of talking with Seth to be us fighting over him being lazy. Send the tranqultiy my way. Anyone got a non alcoholic beverage that makes you feel as good as a regular? I could use one right about now.

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My mother is bi polar. I understand that this disease itself is not anything she can control. Her mood swings and antics make it very hard for me to deal with her sometimes. I find it so stressful and consuming to cater to her unstable emotions. I feel that this is so beyond me and that I cannot help her myself, but at the same time I feel so guilty. I feel guilty about seperating myself from her at times. I do this to make it easier for me, to not have to go through the stress ans anxiety her fits cause me. But, i feel guilty because in a way I feel like she thinks I dont care. I do care. But I have a daughter myself, and a fiance, and a job, and Im pregnant- I have ten million other things to worry about. I guess I knid of feel "over it". I have had to deal with this for so long and have tried so hard to help and have gotten no where, I feel like there is no answer but to accept this misery, stay away, and wait it out. This whole situation has caused me and my family so much distress and frustration. But her disease makes it impossible o reason or explain your feelings without her taking them as a direct hit to her. I feel like anytime I try to say that she is being in one of her moods and stressing me out she takes it as I dont love you and your crazy. I feel like Im on the front lines of an unwinnable battle and my choices are to die fighting or to die and my reasoning is why not just save the effort and die. I feel such loss over this. Loss of a normal healthy relationship that could have happened. This is so deep seeded and has so many branches and roots though. Its hard to say if this will ever change. I try to take it day by day, but I am so tired of being miserable over someone elses problems. I wish I could tell her all of this. I wish I could let her know anything true and her take it for the context given. I wish she could just take some responsibilty for this disease, not so much in fault but in her controlling and managing. Im sure there are lots of others going through something similar, and it makes me wonder......

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