Okay so, like always, I am struggling to keep my sanity living with my completely insane mother. She must ne going through one of her little fits or whatever. She is being so loud, with everything she does. And is looking for reasons to be in my area. She is just driving me up the wall, I just want her to go away. She is so attention hungry, and I am so over buying into the schemes and games and acts she plays to get this attention. If she is such in a terrible mood, why doesn't she just stay away. Why does she insist on spreading her misery to everyone around her. She is fucking nuts and I am fucking over it. I am not going to buy into her stupid fake falls or faking gettting hurt or fake falling. I see her fake fall all of the time. She will really slip, catch herself, then make herself fall on purpose, and she thinks no one notices but everyone does and she just looks stupid and crazy. That's what I don't understand about her, everyone knows she is tottally off of her rocker and just being crazy and trying to get attention, and she acts like its so real. Does she really believe that everyone can't see through it and doesn't see how ridiculous she always is? It's just that no one wants to be the one she freaks out on, so no one will say anything. She is so toxic. So poisonous for me, for everyone. She says things like, "oh Savanna you should be wearing socks or a jacket its too cold." "Savanna I think you should already be potty trained"  "Savanna I think your too big for a baba. Grandma will have to buy you sippy sups" These things to me sound like she is trying to demean my parenting, telling me I should be doing it that way. It pisses me off because she is the last person on the planet I would take parenting advice from. If I wanted to know the wrong way or the way not to raise a child, that is when I would ask her for advice, until then I feel like she has no right to say things like that and she needs to shut the fuck up. I feel like I could just go off on her sometimes for the things she does or says. I feel that there is so much I want to just scream in her face. I hold it all back because I also feel that in doing so it would make more tension and stress in my life so I just avoid it. Luckily I wont have to do this forever, and I can move out next tax season. I wount have to deal with her at all, or her toxic behavior, or her toxic mouth. I wont have to see her, or hear her, or walk around her feelings anymore. I wont have to worry about things dealing with her. I could feel somfortable in my house because there will be less tension and stress on me. I will feel cleansed of this poison. I will feel better. She will need to realize that I am not dealing with her delusional world anymore. She is jsut plain crazy and is so crazy she doesnt even think she is being crazy when she is being her craziest. It is just so illogical and I am not doing it anymore than I have to. My life is not about her and her problems or what she wants or needs. She is a grown woman and will have to start acting like one, or she can deal with the consequences. I dont know why everyone lets her get away with everything but eventually that will catch up with her. There is just no fixing something as broke as she is. If I had a car as fucked up as she is I would junk it, it wouldnt even have to be something I would even think about, thats just what you would have to do is start over because there are too many problems. I think she likes being crazy and causing all this drama and havoc. She is so terrible insane. She is a real danger to herself, only because she wants to be. She is absolutley unstable, because she wants to be. She is crazy, because she wants to be. She is the way she is because she wants to be. Maybe I am wrong for thinking that way but I have lived with her for long enough to know how she is and know her capability. She does this to herself and it seems like she wants it. She wants the drama and she wants the havoc and chaos. And that is why she is so utterly crazy to me.

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Oh tax season 2011, if you can please come next month instead of next year. I NEED to get away from my mom. Living together just does not work. Our relationship is never ever good, but it is so much better when we are far apart. She is very toxic to me, and for me. She is just such a difficult person to deal with. There are so many things she does that bother me and hurt me and just frustrate me. I feel like being around her drags me down. I feel that a lot of my time and energy goes into thinking about what not to say and what to do to make her not be crazy on me. I'm tired of bending and being the one to make all these special adjustments in my thoughts and feelings and actions, when she doesnt seem to hold anything back. For some reason, in her mind alone, her bi polar is some kind of "i can get away with anything" pass. But how is it that she can pick and choose when she's crazy. Doesn't that mean that she really isn't crazy if she can decide when to be? I'm not a doctor but it seems to me that bi polar is supposed to be something you cannot control, so how is it that around certain people or certain times she can be so normal. Some people have never seen her be all crazy, to me that says she really isn't that crazy and it's all for attention. That is why I have such a hard time involving myself with her. i feel like it's all some kind of show, a try for some attention. If you are so starved for attention, why are you only seeking negative attention. Why would'nt you want positive attention? She's so selfish and self serving. She says she is so giving and tries to buy people off with garbage and junk, but it's only so she can be like "oh this is what I did for you" its to make herself feel good, not the other person. Literally everything has to be about her. Nothing I do, or say, or feel, can not have anything to do with her in her mind. She just is not that special to me to think about all day long and obsess about what I am going to do next. She needs to get real. She'll never change, and she doesn't even want to. Everyone just enables her, because they dont want to deal with her. It is just so much easier to make her happy than it is to deal with her not. I am not the only person she is toxic to, many people feel the same way. They just will not, and will never, say that because of her pills. I wish she'd just get busted, and get comitted and get normal. Some kind of reality check to take her out of her bubble where everyone but her is wrong. It's not that I want bad things to happen to her, I just don't see how else this would happen. She claims to be so sick in the head, but never ever goes to therapy. She has no excuse because not only does she have nothing to do all day everyday, it would be free and its right down the block. I think she dont go because a therapist could see through her, and all there is to her is lies and bad things. She thinks she is so much better because she has all this extra money-that she shouldnt- and can buy things because her rent and bills are so cheap from us living together. Get off your high horse. You are crazy, a drug addict, and liar. If the people that allow you to live this way knew what you really do they would no longer enable. Your entire allaby is a lie and your whole life situation is based on lies and deciet. If you were living honestly and legitamently, you would not be living the way you do now. I'm tired of feeling like a bad person. I am a good person. I am a better person than she is. I don't cheat lie or steal. I am not a drug addict. I go to work and handle my own reaponsiblities. I am a good mother. I am so many things that she is not and never has been and never will be. I think thats why she does this to me. She is jealous or mad that at such a young age I am so much more adult than her. I think she is resentful that after 18 months I have been a better mother than her in 21 years. I think her mistakes kill her inside, and she tries to spread the blame because its too much for her. I also feel like I have my own problems and at 50 she should have her shit together for herself. I shouldn't feel responsible for her bullshit made up problems that cause her to have feelings. I can't help her feelings, I can only help mine. I need to focus on me. I need to heal. My mom has always hurt me and caused me these feelings. I have to accept there is nothing I can so for her, I can only do for me. She is the onle that needs help. I need change.

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I love my daughter so much. She makes me such a better person at times. I have to be so selfless and giving, not like thats hard to me, but she makes me feel like I have a purpose. I day after day remind myself how lucky I am to have such a healthy beautiful and smart little girl. There is just so much that can go wrong and all too often does go wrong when you have kids. I mean, what new mom isnt waking up in the middle of the night to check their newborns breathing. I remember with Savanna there were times I was so worried about her not breathing that if I didnt see her chest rise and fall I would move her or touch her to try to make her move, sometimes resulting in her waking up. I know I'm so obsessive compulsive when it comes to basically everything but when it comes to her it gets way worse. If she becomes sick, I check her temperature constantly, always checking for fever and listening to her breath for wheeziness. I know its so bad but I feel like if I dont check on all of these things that something could happen that I could have stopped or prevented and I will be filled with guilt and regret. Anyways, I just hope that we can be so lucky or blessed or whatever it is with this next baby. God, Budda, genash, or whoever please let it happen.

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My mother is bi polar. I understand that this disease itself is not anything she can control. Her mood swings and antics make it very hard for me to deal with her sometimes. I find it so stressful and consuming to cater to her unstable emotions. I feel that this is so beyond me and that I cannot help her myself, but at the same time I feel so guilty. I feel guilty about seperating myself from her at times. I do this to make it easier for me, to not have to go through the stress ans anxiety her fits cause me. But, i feel guilty because in a way I feel like she thinks I dont care. I do care. But I have a daughter myself, and a fiance, and a job, and Im pregnant- I have ten million other things to worry about. I guess I knid of feel "over it". I have had to deal with this for so long and have tried so hard to help and have gotten no where, I feel like there is no answer but to accept this misery, stay away, and wait it out. This whole situation has caused me and my family so much distress and frustration. But her disease makes it impossible o reason or explain your feelings without her taking them as a direct hit to her. I feel like anytime I try to say that she is being in one of her moods and stressing me out she takes it as I dont love you and your crazy. I feel like Im on the front lines of an unwinnable battle and my choices are to die fighting or to die and my reasoning is why not just save the effort and die. I feel such loss over this. Loss of a normal healthy relationship that could have happened. This is so deep seeded and has so many branches and roots though. Its hard to say if this will ever change. I try to take it day by day, but I am so tired of being miserable over someone elses problems. I wish I could tell her all of this. I wish I could let her know anything true and her take it for the context given. I wish she could just take some responsibilty for this disease, not so much in fault but in her controlling and managing. Im sure there are lots of others going through something similar, and it makes me wonder......

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